life or something like it

it isnt always easy. living.

in the last few days when my world was turned upside down. because i said the wrong thing. apparently.

i am slowly picking up the pieces again.

as i sit here with a headache pounding through my head. because i worked today. and it was a little noisy. but a good noisy.

i still feel very down and out. dark and twisty.

it is weird to be back here. after i thought everything was perfect. it was beyond perfect. everything was going according to plan.

then.

it all started to slowly crumble. piece by piece. like i had lost pieces to a puzzle and just couldnt find them.

then it happened.

it upset me so much that i called people in tears. my closest friends and family. sobbed. blubbered. wanting them to tell me everything would be fine.

cuddling my partner. wishing for it to be just one bad dream. hearing him tell me it was just her being her.

what scares me. is that i stood in the kitchen after it happened. and looked. at the knives.

wondering. and contemplating.

his life without me.
her life without me.
their life without me.

nothing happened. but it scares me. that i had those thoughts again.


today was a good day though. even though it was dark and cloudy outside. my mind was in a better space.